When we talk about threats for self-love, we tend to only think about our inner critic or being with people that are bad for us. We think about self-deprecating actions or making a fool out of ourselves.
But what if there’s an even bigger trend nowadays that should count as a direct antidote to self-love? A thing that we all got accustomed to so much in our ever-evolving capitalist society that it’s often labeled as self-love and “levelling up”, while it’s the total antithesis to it?
The keyword is “Pressure to Perform”. It gets to us via seemingly motivational Instagram Reels, TikToks or social comparisons with friends. Pressure to perform can catch us in everyday moments and make life feel like a never ending hamster wheel. It's a real thing and whole generations fall for it.
While social comparisons can be good for a group as a whole and often work as a motivation to change one’s life, things can get really messy and mentally draining when we aren’t able to set up boundaries. It can be good to be motivated to change things for the better, but we should make a sharp distinction between positive motivation and unhealthy pressure to get better.
In this post, you’ll learn how pressure to perform can creep into your life like an invisible enemy – and how you can come to a place of inner peace and real self acceptance.
From Hustle to Harm – When Achievement Becomes Identity
Why we confuse performance with self-worth
Many of us have an intrinsic belief since childhood: If I perform, I will be loved and people will like me.
It’s the logical continuation of our parent’s reaction to good grades. When we brought home an A, our moms gave us compliments and showed us love. For many people, bringing home bad grades was connected to fear, bad emotions and getting yelled at or criticized by their parents.
Most of us – especially in western cultures – have learned early: Good performance equals love and likeability.
Emotions like that get ingrained into us like a tattoo and are really hard to change. Also as adults, society often tells us: “If you function, you are worthy. People who don’t work or perform are bad.”
This couldn’t be further from the truth. Unfortunately, most people only notice that when it’s too late. That’s why YouTube Interviews with the elderly are often full of regret. A thing you’ll hear over and over in these videos: “My biggest regret is that I worked too much and haven’t enjoyed life enough.”
If you are getting emotional while reading this, chances are that this post will resonate with you a lot. There’s more to life than just performance and hustling.
The effect of social media and comparisons
Social media companies are abusing one fundamental trait of humans – sociability.
As Homo Sapiens, we are an extremely social species. Just look at other animals: Many are “living solo” and only meeting members of the same species to make babies. Only the more intelligent ones decide to live together and form societal structures.
It’s deeply ingrained into us that we need social validation and a group of people around us. If we don’t have that, we feel isolated, bad and it can even make us depressed. Apps like Instagram or Snapchat use this need for socializing for their profit.
The algorithms know what they have to show you to keep you hooked. This shapes a strong comparison culture.
People show off their grandiose holidays, beautiful faces and trained bodies. It’s a way of saying: “Look at me, look at my social status.” Before modern culture, comparisons have been limited to a village or to your direct neighbors. Chances are that they have had a pretty even “ranking” on the social ladder. People therefore compared themselves with rather similar people – it led to a stress-free, relaxed life.
Nowadays, the comparison game is on a global level. People compare their looks, possessions and adventures with others from all over the world.
Studies show that comparisons with people who you think have similar or lower social value can make you feel good, while comparisons with people who you regard as higher make you feel depressed, anxious and bad. The people who work on social media platforms know about this phenomenon – and that’s what keeps you hooked and makes you feel miserable.
Instagram will show you content that makes you triggered. You engage in it, because it awakens something in you: “I want to look like her!” or “I want to experience the same holiday!” are classic emotions that social media can activate.
It makes us feel like we have to perform to get a better body (training), to have more money (hustle more) and to experience more (FOMO). No wonder people are saying that Gen Z looks older than previous generations! They are under immense stress all the time.
But here comes the truth: None of this is actually important. The societal ladder is a construct propulsed by capitalist greed to make self-conscious people feel worse and buy more. You will always lose in the comparison game of social media. There will always be someone who looks better, has more money or experiences more. It’s a never ending rat race that leads to burn-out.
| Just look at the statistics! Rates of depression, anxiety and other mental health disorders skyrocketed after the invention of social media platforms. |
Social Media distorts who you are and makes you feel less than. It makes us chase likes for social approval. In the process we lose ourselves.
Note from the author: Please don’t believe everything you see on social media. There are numerous examples of people who post their seemingly “happy” lives on Insta, while having problems in their lives. Most of it – and I say that as a strong social media junkie myself – is fake.
Reclaiming your peace isn’t as hard as you might think
During Covid, I decided to delete all of my social media. I had enough ways to stay in touch with my friends via WhatsApp, iMessage and Co.
While it wasn’t apparent from the get-go, my mental health improved from week to week. I noticed how I was comparing myself less to others and how I lost my need to show everything to everyone all the time.
It’s like a duty was lifted – and a lot of the stress that came with it as well.
I enjoyed the social media break a lot and I know that I will repeat it if I’ll feel socially overwhelmed in the future.
Social media wants you to believe that your value depends on your output. That you are only “something” when you succeed. That you must become someone “better” to be okay. That belief is poison. Let it go. You don’t owe anyone your constant performance.
You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone.
You are human, your worth is not a scoreboard – it’s a constant.
Every. Freaking. Human. Has. The. Same. Intrinsic. Value.
Believe it or not: The moment you will stop the comparisons and stop living your life by outside standards will be the moment you will reclaim your peace.
| Most people become very superficial and start comparing themselves in puberty. It’s a time where a lot of (hormonal) changes happen and we want to know how we “measure up”. Even if you are in your 20s or even 30s: The measuring up will calm down just naturally. Because there’s one great thing about aging – it doesn’t spare anyone and it makes us less superficial. Just think about it that way: Do you love your grandma because she was beautiful as a 20 year old or do you love her because she is your grandma and she’s just the sweetest and most kind-hearted person? The earlier you see your given, constant value as a human being, the easier you will glide through life. |
The inner voice that keeps scoring you
How society forms our inner critic
We’ve already talked about the inner critic in previous posts. It’s the inner voice that can be very harsh and unfair sometimes.
Unfortunately, society doesn’t make our inner critic more tolerant or forgiving – rather the opposite. When we see successful people or people who have something that we don’t have, our inner critic looks at it with magnifying glasses.
Societal expectations can be super-unrealistic though. The reality is: You can’t change who you are. You cannot leave your body. Instead of seeing your body as what it actually is – a gift given to you for your life – your inner critic will find all the flaws in an instant.
There’s a lot of truth in the saying “The people around you define who you are”: If you surround yourself with people and online-content that is positive, supportive and non-judgemental, your inner critic will be toned down and you’ll feel good about yourself. If you are in circles where there are a lot of comparisons going on, your inner critic will be dialed up to 120%.
Choose your surroundings wisely.
“If you only love yourself when you’re winning, that’s not self-love. That’s self-evaluation.”
How true this sentence is, isn’t it?
The story with external achievements comes into play again: If we only love ourselves when we are winning, we tie it to external conditions that we can’t control. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Some people have more luck, others less.
But this doesn’t define us and our intrinsic value as human beings. If we really care about self-love, we should see it as active care for our whole being and not just admire our highlight reels from life.
True and real love for ourselves is also there for us when we’re not feeling 100%.
Imagine a situation where you really messed up an important meeting or presentation in your job or in school / uni. True love would say: Ok. You messed up. But this doesn’t define you and neither does it define your worth. You are worthy – like every other human being on this planet.
As humans, we have great capabilities for compassion with others. Empathy is one of the things that sets us apart from many other species. But why do we bring up that compassion to others and not to ourselves? Why do we criticize ourselves so much for things where we would be positive and empowering when it happened to our friends?
That’s the deal. We have to treat ourselves as a best friend. See us as humans – with all the flaws, the good and the bad parts.
Ask yourself regularly:
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If I never achieved anything again – would I still deserve love?
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What if I stopped being “impressive” – would I still have value?
Those questions are rather uncomfortable but can be transformative. Unless you can’t shout and reply with a clear “Yes!” to both answers, your self-love can still be optimized and improved.
Because the relationship to yourself is the most important one you’ll have throughout your whole life. Your inner voice becomes your inner home. Make it safe.
3 Ways to Practice Self-Love Without Performance Pressure
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Talk to yourself as you would to a friend
As we discussed just a few lines above – the relationship to your inner self should feel like the relationship you have to a good friend. Grounded, positive and realistic. You praise your best friends when you think they’ve done something good, you affirm them when they feel negative and you make them feel better in hard times. That’s what you should do to yourself as well. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have a realistic stance on life – sometimes we f*** up and that’s human – but it’s about how we deal with those situations and how we move forward that defines the relationship to ourselves.
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Celebrate rest as much as achievement
In our hyper-capitalistic and stressed-out society rest feels like a sin. Just chilling at home on the couch? Looser! Low Performer! You know the drill… Let the people talk. Rest is one of the most important things in life to feel grounded, calm and in your inner peace. When you constantly chase one achievement and high after the other, it will have the contradictory effect: You will feel like you achieve less and less over time. Stay in your peace and give your body rest when it needs it.
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Let go of the need to impress - just be
Impressing others can give you an immense ego-boost. Being praised by peers, friends, family or colleagues is like a small little “Pat Pat” onto the best feeling parts of our brain. But while this makes sense in a deeply biological way (our ancestors had to be part of our group to survive), it’s not very logical nowadays anymore. It’s good to impress people from time to time. But don’t make it your main goal. Care about the values and goals that are important for you, not for superficial praise of someone else.